Grief – She Should Be Here

Today was rough. Today was my youngest daughter, Adira’s, first soccer game since my mom passed. I couldn’t help but feel like someone was missing at the game. She should be here. She should have been here to see her play her little heart out. She should be here to cheer her on. She should just be here. She was suppose to be here.

Adira marched in the parade after her game. Parades were always my mom’s things. She loved taking the kids to the parades. She should have been here. She should have been here to see my son jump up and run to give Spiderman a hug. She should be here to cheer and wave when Adira passed by us handing out candy in the parade with her soccer team. She should be here.

I often feel so alone in this mess of grief, but I was reminded today just how many lives my mom touched. My mother-in-law Jackie grieves too, different grief, but grief none the less. She grieves not having more time to get to know my mom. She had just started to get to know her when they attended family events and the twins’ basketball games together. The Grandmas, sitting in the stands and cheering their hearts out for their little ones.

The kids grieve. They spent every weekend with their Nana from the day they were born. They loved their time with her learning how to cook and bake, going to the parks and to her favorite stores, and doing art projects to cover the front of her fridge. She should be here. This isn’t right, it’s not fair. It feels so wrong that she isn’t here. I used to take pictures at the events she didn’t attend so I could send them to her and she could respond the way only a proud Nana could. She should be here.

My heart aches with a hurt that no one can fix. It aches with a void no one can fill. There is a mom sized hole in my chest, that wound is fresh and sore, it doesn’t feel like it will ever be less sore. Each passing day it just hurts more and more. I long for my mom to be here. I long for the daily calls with her. I long for the facetimes and the visits. I can’t help but feel like I took that all for granted. She should be here…